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Great Britain Tells Gobby Eurocrats: Get Your Grubby Mitts Off Our Glorious Place Names!

Following a shock move by the EU yesterday, it looks like Britain will be mired even further in the morass of European red tape, this time because of our "filthy" place names. The European Parliament announced today that they are close to passing a new law making it mandatory for the names of all cities, towns, villages, hamlets, street names and geographical features containing any hint of rudeness to be changed to a "clean name" by the end of the year.

Jean-Claude Qu’est-ce Que Ferques, the European Commissioner leading the initiative, cited “standardisation, sanitation and sanctimony” as the "holy trinity of best practice in the field of geolocal nomenclature." According to M. Qu’est-ce Que Ferques, whose job title is Deputy Assistant Minister for the Facilitation and Oversight of Optimal Linguistics, "Britain is top of a global watchlist of dirty-sounding place names, that is to say that per square kilometre Britain exhibits more Butts, Bottoms, Balls, Shags, Shits, Cocks, Dicks, Fannies and Twatts on its map than any other nation on Earth. That is nothing to celebrate. In fact it is, in our view, unacceptable. From Belchford (Lincolnshire) to Burpham (Sussex), Shitterton (Dorset) to Cockfosters (London), Little Cockup (Cumbria) to Greatbottom Flash (Surrey), Britain is littered with the offensive detritus of filth-ridden place names. They must be cleaned up at once, otherwise I fear we may be on the verge of an epidemic.” 

“The so-called British sense of humour,” he continued, "has been annoying the rest of Europe for far too long. Are you really trying to tell me that the person who named a beautiful valley in Devon ‘Lickham Bottom’ or a smooth bit of tarmac in Sussex ‘Cocking Causeway’ was doing so for any reason other than cheap laughs?"

Four British MEPs present at the readings of the draft legislation, Stanley Pontlarge, Tiffany Gardens, Keith Inch and Mavis Enderby, refuted the allegations that Britain’s place names are offensive, stating, “It’s our rich cultural and linguistic heritage that makes for such vibrant and evocative place names across England, Scotland and Wales - the influence of Gaelic, Welsh, Norse and Old English mixing on the map of Britain is strong and compelling, as is that of the French language, which has given us many place names this side of the Channel, including, very aptly, Petty France. These glorious cultural landmarks should not to be wished away lightly."

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ABOVE: Two Westcountry villages cheek-to-cheek.

ABOVE: Two Westcountry villages cheek-to-cheek.

ABOVE: A Lake District peak helps make the point.

ABOVE: A Lake District peak helps make the point.

British cartographers, Strumpshaw, Tincleton & Giggleswick (ST&G), who specialise in unearthing amusing place names, have been called in to assist the government. They had this to say: "Coming from the country that invented double entendres, and a continent that boasts among its place names Arsy (France), Anus (France), Titisee (Germany), Wank (Germany), Rimsting (Germany) and, heaven forbid, Fucking (Austria), M. Qu’est-ce Que Ferques looks very much like a man in a glass house attempting to throw an enormous brick across the channel. Perhaps those over-worked Eurocrats should take a break from paper-shuffling, loosen their ties and join us in celebrating marvellous place names all across our continent and experience the joy of being reduced to giggling like a schoolchild.”

An official statement from Downing Street is expected this morning. 

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Today's Weather:  Dull with a chance of Pea Down 

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